A Life Of My Own
by PegasusAcc
Summary: A depressing fanfiction on how the war (or was it the peace) robbed each pilot of their dearest treasure. PG13 for a higher vocabulary (and makes it sound more important) Wonderfully written if I do say so. Please R&R. One-shot


A/N: Just a few slight warnings before you read. While writing this fanfiction I attempted to use a more extensive vocabulary then what is frequently used in my Gundam writings. I'm deeply sorry if it causes any confusion. My purpose was that by using a higher vocabulary, it would reflect the mood and theme more accurately from the show. This is probably logic that only makes sense to my twisted and random psyche. My other warning is that this fanfiction has come to be much more tragic and depressing then first intended. It focuses on how easily love can deter one's thoughts and send them into a living hell. In the story, each pilot reflects on how they each lost the most important thing in their lives. If you are not one who takes pleasure or finds others misery a good read, then I suggest that you not read. But remember, it's only a warning, do as you wish (personally I find it the best fiction that I have written yet). I hope you enjoy, and don't forget that reviews are most welcome and appreciated. 

DISCLAIMER: Don't own Gundam, but wouldn't it be cool if I did?

________________________________________________________________________

LIFE OF MY OWN:

The neon lights pierced the thick blankets of smoke that enveloped their downcast faces. People moved flippantly around them, too wrapped up with themselves to notice the five teens seated around the undersized table. Their faces were etched with an unmistakable presence of despondency, an expression of such a great magnitude that it shouldn't have had to be worn by such seemingly unsullied souls. 

But they each knew that they were not the innocent figures that they first appeared to be. Each had been soiled by countless battles and excessive deaths. Their hands were drenched to a deep crimson hue, stained perpetually. 

The club's music pulsed through their veins causing reactions close to that of a drug overdose. It blared out of two massive speakers positioned at the front of the stage. The melody churned around in each of their minds, each reflecting on past experiences.

The war had finally ended, swathing the Earth and colonies with a temporary peace. Each had learned too well that peace never lasted forever. Nothing lasted forever…because forever was just too long.

Duo sighed as he gazed at the newly acquainted couples dance out on the floor. His drained heart yearned to grasp Hilde's slender waist and whisk her out with them. He longed for nothing more than to hear her sweet voice whispering sweet nothings into his ears, telling them that war was over…that his suffering was over. Together they would dance until the sun highlighted the horizon and signaled the dawn; dance away the problems of the past and waltz into a new post-war world. 

But Hilde was no more. Her voice reverberated maddeningly through his mind. He could picture her distraught face when he had returned home after the war. She had been worried about him, just as any fiancée would have…should have been. But his crass salutation had quickly converted that grief stricken love into blinded fury.

_"You unappreciative beleaguer!" _she had screamed. _"You come home from war as if the weight of the world was meant to drape your shoulders alone. For once let someone else carry your burden of loss, so that for one night I might have the Duo I feel in love with!" _she had tried desperately to control the trembling of her voice. _"I don't ask for much Duo, you understand that don't you? I only want to know that when I wake up in the middle of the night, alone with cold sweat pouring down my back…I only want to know that you are safe."_

"There's no security in this world." he had replied with a bland, melancholy tone. _"The God of Death hunts in the dead of night. I know it leaves you alone, but it is a job I cannot neglect. Everyone and everything is destined to be alone sometime Hilde. In the end, only death will remain. It has no heart, consequently it never feels, never reasons and therefore it never dies. Death and I are comrades; together till the end of the time and together clad in the blackness of midnight." _ Tears stained her pale cheeks as they slowly escaped from the prison of her eyes.

__

"Then let the devil wear black," she replied grabbing her jacket and thrusting her engagement ring in his cold hands. She stared deep into the depths of his frozen violet eyes and finished _"And may he be happy in hell."_ before she slammed through the doorway…the once blissful couple's picture falling from the wall and shattering on the floor.

__

Living risky, never scared, wander

Closer to the edge

Nothing valued think no fear, always

Wondering why you're here

All your purposes are gone, nothing's

Right and nothing's wrong

Nothing ventured, nothing gained,

Feel no sorrow feel no pain

Quatre's nimble fingers were clasped tightly around the shot glass, once again drained. He moved his hand shakily to grab the bottle and refill it with the mercury-like liquid, but Trowa grasped his wrist, stopping him. Quatre scowled, yanking his arm back in disgust. If he wanted another drink no one was going to stop him. He stood precariously, his knees threatening to buckle under his weight. Head swimming, he made his way shakily to the bar, slamming his glass on the counter and coarsely shouting, "Hit me!" The bar tender looked at the drunken pilot skeptically before asking to see his ID. The Arabian fished inside his back pocket before flashing his fake ID that falsely confirmed him as age twenty-one. The bar tender reluctantly filled his glass. Quatre sneered and hobbled back to the table. The music bounced inside of his head, but was still droned out by Dorothy's acerbic words. They hacked away at his empathetic heart, leaving it shattered.

_"I can't bring myself to love you Quatre,"_ she had told him, her voice never wavering from its single tone. _"It's not that I'm trying to deny the feelings that reside in my heart, it's the figures in my head that worry me. I could love you Quatre, with all of my heart and soul. But I would constantly be second-guessing our decision. We may be able to love each other, but it would never work, you and I. I cannot bring myself to love someone without the consent of both heart and mind - and at the moment, my mind is most unwilling."_

"But Dorothy please!"

"Quatre Raberba Winner be reasonable!" she had snapped, the use of all three of his names a sign that she was truly irritated. _"I tried to save you from this…"_

"I know you did, but I only found myself loving you all the more." Quatre could still feel his flesh burn where her hand had caressed his cheek lightly.

_"I'm sorry but I couldn't…"_ Quatre could see that her crude words had hurt her as well, for her internal suffering was reflected clearly in her slate gray eyes. And she could equally see the pain bluntly fixed into his features. But she did nothing to brush them away as she left the room, maintaining the title as women without tears.

__

Kiss me while I'm still alive

Kill me while I kiss the sky

Let me die on my own terms, let me

Live and let me learn

Now I'll follow my own way, and I'll

Live on to another damn day

Freedom carries sacrifice

Remember when this was my life?

Trowa shook his head regretfully as Quatre tottered on the brink of a concussion, liters of alcohol coursing though his bloodstream. Quatre had gone drinking before, but never had he been so reckless. He sighed sorrowfully as Quatre's eyes turned vacant and inert, reminding him of the absent look that had been reflected so deliberately in Midii's dulled eyes. He tore his gaze away from his best friend as Midii's naïve face replayed across his tired mind. How could he have let her sacrifice herself for his sake? Wasn't he just as culpable as she? How could he have let her carry all the blame…

Shivers darted along his arms as he closed his eyes, picturing that ominous night when everything went dreadfully wrong. It was meant to be a quick heist, the spy and the silencer together once again. One last mission to ensure that the new peace would be imperishable. But that damn security guard had gotten involved, foiling weeks of planning. Nevertheless they could not be caught, could not be seen, could not be remembered. '_Those who laid eyes on them shall not live to tell about it' _they had promised one another. Only he had hesitated to long to pull the trigger, reluctant to kill the officer and cause yet another casualty. But she hadn't, exterminating the guard life only seconds before the guard had destroyed his. Sirens blared throughout the compound. The silencer had made it out, but the spy had been seized only seconds before reaching freedom. 

The next week they had led him into Midii's cell for questioning.

__

"Do you know this man?" the stout, female guard had asked Midii questionably, holding him in front of her. _"He was caught three blocks away from the compound carrying a gun quite similar to your own."_

"No, I have never seen him in my life." she had lied, staring sternly into his eyes, the gaze piercing his very soul. To anyone else her charade would have worked perfectly. But he had worked alongside her for too long for her gaze to con him anymore. _'Run Trowa.' _her eyes had screamed. _'Don't try to be a hero. Leave me and escape this nightmare while you still can!'_

_"Are you sure?"_ the guard asked skeptically, eyeing her victim surreptitiously.

She answered flatly. _"Positive."_

Then another guard had entered into the room, whispered a few words to the first guard and motioned for Midii to rise.

_"Come now Miss. It's time."_

_"Time?"_ she asked inquisitively, quirking an eyebrow. The guard had only smiled devilishly. 

_"We have special ways of dealing with murders like yourself…"_

As he had left the cell he could hear her panicky voice as she cried out _"No, please, please! It's the only thing I have to remind me of him! Don't take my memories away from me! Please…kill me…but leave my memories alone! No! Help me! Nanashi! Don't leave me! I don't want to be alone again! Nanashi…! Nanashi! Nan…"_ And then in a single instant, and a single frivolous motion of the guard's wrist, she had fallen silent, with no recollection of the boy once called No Name.

__

Looking forward, not behind,

Everybody's got to cross that line

Free me now and give me a place,

Keep me caged and fee the beast

Falling faster, time goes by, fear is

Not seen through these eyes

What there was will never be, now

I'm blind and cannot see

Wu Fei glanced at the other pilots, a strong feeling of ambivalence hanging around him, mixing with that of the heavy smoke. Each looked so dishearten that on one hand he wanted nothing to do with such pathetic weaklings. Yet, simultaneously he envied them. They each had lost something that they held so dear, while he hadn't even considered his dearest possession his until it have vanished from his life. _'Sally,' _he whispered inaudibly to everyone except himself.

_"Pulling another all-nighter?" _she had asked innocuously. He had only sneered, his eyes never shifting from the luminescent screen in front of him. He could still feel her warm breath on the back of his neck from when she had peered over his shoulder.

_"Leave me alone," _he had snapped angrily. She merely snickered behind his back.

_"You could easily double your productivity by…"_ he wouldn't even let her finish.

_"Why don't you just shut up you baka onna?! You possibly understand what it is I am trying to accomplish."_ Her hand shot forward and slammed the cover of the lab top down. He stood, face stern and jaw clenched.

__

"Don't you EVER _call me a baka onna you ungrateful maggot! Excuse me your highness for attempting to help. Get off your high horse Wu Fei and open up your eyes Wu Fei. I would give you anything, but your pride prevents me or anyone else from ever helping you."_

"My eyes are open women. And all I see in front of me is an onna who needs to learn her place in a man's world." He could remember how the astonishment crept along her face and the sting left as her palm collided with his face. Salty tears trickled from her downcast eyes as she repeated in a crestfallen tone _"I would have given you anything…"_ and left the control room.

_'Sally…'_ Wu Fei repeated to himself over and over again as the music skipped to the next song. _'If only I hadn't been so blind. I'm sorry. I never meant…I never meant to hurt you.'_

Kiss me while I'm still alive

Kill me while I kiss the sky

Let me die on my own terms, let me

Live and let me learn

Now I'll follow my own way, and I'll

Live on to another damn day

Freedom carries sacrifice

Remember when this was my life?

Heero stared blankly into space. Hookers tried vainly to advert his hardened gaze toward them, but they were unaware that the only thing he was paying attention to were the thousands of images that flooded through his head. They stabbed away at his heart like a thousand hot knives. _'Relena!'_ he yearned to scream, but she was not here to hear his pleading cries. He could still feel her soft, fine hair between his fingers.

_"Heero, please don't go." _she asked hopefully. _"I need you to support me at the Earth Sphere Unified Nations press conference."_ Her smile was so optimistic that he had almost agreed. Almost.

_"No," _he replied as usual. _"I don't belong at a peace meeting." _

"Oh Heero! You most of all should attend! It was you and your friends in the first place who made this peace possible. Don't you want to witness the good which is sure to ensue?"

"No," he repeated again. _"Don't worry about it Relena. I'll be fine." _Her eyes shone.

__

"Fine," she replied, attempting to keep her composure. _"There's always the extension meetings, ne?"_

_"I'm sure you'll be able to get it done in one meeting."_ He could feel the disillusionment of her gaze.

_"Life isn't a television show Heero. You can't solve all of the problems within a thirty-minute time period…" _Heero only grunted. Relena gaped, incredulous of his intense apathy. _"I…I can't believe you!"_ she sputtered. _"How can you just not care? These meetings decide the future of both the people of Earth and Colonies. Surely you have some opinion." _He glared at her. 

_"Don't you think that if I did I would have told you by now? Besides, this is your job, not mine."_ With that, he grabbed his jacket and left into the crisp autumn air. When he had returned, Relena was gone with nothing left put a note with a single word message _Goodbye Heero_ and her wedding ring.

__

Kiss me while I'm still alive

Kill me while I kiss the sky

Let me die on my own terms, let me

Live and let me learn

Now I'll follow my own way, and I'll

Live on to another damn day

Freedom carries sacrifice

Remember when this was my life?

The crowd seemed to be slowly thinning as the dawn slowly emerged upon the horizon and the final round of drinks was being passed around. Each pilot took one last sip of the alcohol, the metallic liquid filling their mouths. Everyone except Quatre who could barely keep his upchuck reflex under control, let alone lift the glass to his lips.

The war had stolen so much from each of them. Or had it been the peace, which cause so many problems? There were so closely integrated now it was difficult to differentiate between the two. But whomever or whatever was the cause, they were each now left with a life of their own. They were left to lead a life of their own; a life alone and in solitude. That was the price of freedom, personal sacrifice. Perhaps they truly were heroes in their own, but they would never know and never really care. As the group gathered their belongings and Trowa helped the nauseous Quatre to his feet, the final fading words of the song echoed through each of them.

__

Freedom carries sacrifice

Remember when this was my life?

________________________________________________________________________

A/N: Well? Good? Bad? Absolutely _________(fill in the blank). Please tell me then! Write a review or e-mail me at PegasusAcc@aol.com Thanks for your support everyone!

~Peg


End file.
